Since I stopped plumbing, I can’t stop chewing my nails. It’s sick. You would think that after working on other people’s toilets and knowing where my hands have been, I would keep my nails away from my mouth. It’s a plumbing by-law for goodness sake that plumber’s don’t eat with their hands let alone chew their nails.
But there is something about the last weeks of pregnancy where I can’t avoid chewing and playing with my nails and my hands end up looking dreadful.
It happened in my previous pregnancies too right at the end.
I’m not anxious but I have had a lot on my mind so whether I am subconsciously worried I’m not sure what’s going on but I’ve got to stop it.
I had such a good weekend last weekend. I went out with a bunch of mums (most I didn’t know) to go and see the movie Mom’s Night Out. I didn’t even know the movie existed and the last time I went to the movies was when I took Esther to see Frozen. It was a much overdue time out for me from the kids.
I have never related to a movie so much. And it was so good to talk to other mums about challenges with raising kids and realizing that the behavior you are dealing with at the moment with your three year old is exactly the same as what another mother is dealing with with their own. Sometimes their kid is worse than yours.
You see one of the things that I have struggled with since becoming a mum is not feeling content. I don’t think I’ve experienced mother guilt, but I have highly critiqued my parenting style and I often chastise myself internally that I could be a better mum. Do other mum’s do this too? I’m never content in the way I parent.
I dreamed of becoming a mum but then once I became one, the reality was somewhat different to what I thought it would be. I love both of my girls so much and I often have tears in my eyes as I watch them play together because I feel incredibly privileged to be their mum but there are days where I feel exhausted and I wished that I didn’t want more but I do. What is with that?
I follow bloggers and other mothers on social media who are say ten years older than me and are living a life with primary school aged children and I can’t wait to get to that stage of life, but wishing my time away with my girls is robbing me of precious moments spent with them while they are little.
On a recent catch up with my parents, mum took the girls out to the playground while I had a chat to dad. I think he could sense my inner battle of contentment and worrying about the future with finances and jobs and he told me to stop worrying and just enjoy my children.
He explained that when my brother and I were little kids, we were more of a nuisance to him than a blessing because he was running a business and was trying to support a family. It wasn’t until years later that he realized that he missed some of the best years of his life and ours.
For me, it was a relief to hear my dad tell me to enjoy my children. I have been getting caught up with the darkness that seems to be constantly spewed from the news about the Federal Budget and that times are going to be tighter for families. And despite my faith that we will be fine, (in fact I have faith that we will all be fine) I still feel anxious about the future.
One mum that I talked to on Saturday night told me her testimony about her life and how she came to know God. What she has experienced in the last four years made me grateful for my life and my problems seemed quite insignificant to what she had been through. It was one of those aha moments and it encouraged me greatly to trust rather than abandon faith when life hits the rocks.
I’m not a perfect Christian. I have doubts and moments of weakness like anyone. I don’t think we will ever be content because it’s ingrained in our human flesh to want the next best thing and we are never content staying where we are.
I’d encourage you to check out the Mom’s Night Out movie. It will make you laugh and cry with relief that you’re not the only mum who goes crazy. It certainly encouraged me and helped me realize that I’m not a bad mum. In fact I’m pretty good. I just need to stop the inner crazy talk and stop chewing my nails!
Can you relate to feeling like you could be a better mum? Can you share how you’ve overcome negative thoughts about your parenting style?
I’m linking up with Essentially Jess for I blog on Tuesdays.
