Since my last appointment with my neurosurgeon, I’ve been asked by various friends, what the latest development is and how I’ve been feeling about it all?
To be honest, I’ve felt guilty in admitting I haven’t really thought too much about my eye since I shared my blogpost about it.
I’ve thrown myself into work and family life as normal. It’s not a case of denial just a case of trusting and getting on with it.
The truth is, I feel at peace with my decision to wait and watch what this tumour does.
On Friday night, I headed to church to take Esther to a leadership program she wanted to do. It pained me to go out on a Friday night after a busy week. But we agreed to the commitment, so off to church we went.
While dropping her off to the room she had to go to, I ran into a friend who wanted to pray for me. She asked where I was at with my eye and I admitted I felt guilty that I hadn’t thought a lot about it since I wrote my blog and had my last appointment. The only time I thought about my eye was when someone would ask me about it. And the guilt would wash over me that I hadn’t thought about it more.
My friend encouraged me to see that the peace I was experiencing, was an answer to prayer. Worrying could rob me of my peace.
I hadn’t thought about it like that before but it was a good truth to hear and an encouragement for me personally.
In situations of crisis, I like to be proactive. I like to try and work things out on my own before I ask for help. I often do the OPPOSITE of what faith teaches and instead I’m impatient, take things into my own hands and then pray later when all my energies have been exhausted and haven’t brought in the desired results.
But with my eye… there is nothing I can be proactive about other than praying and getting others to pray. I can do the scans, make the appointments and book the surgery, but really this is out of my control.
I’ve been praying the tumour would miraculously disappear. But I’m also mindful my miracle may come through the hands of the surgeon. I’ve been reminded time and time again, God’s ways are not my ways and His timing is always perfect.
Maybe that’s wishful thinking? A bit naïve?
Or maybe it’s maturity in faith.
I’ve believed in the Lord Jesus since I was 11. I’ve had personal encounters and too many ‘coincidental’ answers to prayer for me to not believe there is a God. Part of this journey is testing my faith in believing God can do things I’ve never seen before.
I believe God is very much interested in me and you and every single person in this world, whether we choose to believe or not. I choose to believe because the evidence I’ve experienced in my own life is enough for me.
So it’s less with the guilt of not worrying enough and more of embracing this life I’ve been given.
I will stop feeling guilty about being at peace.
While this health issue is new unknown territory for me, I’m facing it with a known God and that’s all the peace I need.