Kids. They are amazing creatures whom you love to the moon and back, but they can frustrate the heck out of you. And none of this frustration is EVER put as a warning in the parenting books. What To Expect When You’re Expecting and Knocked Up certainly warned me what kids would do to my body, but they didn’t forewarn me what they’d get up to in my house.
Kids break many things. They shred books, empty shelves and drawers; Picasso walls and break valuables with no regard of the consequences. So since the books decided to keep this vital information secret from new and upcoming parents, I thought I’d share 40 ways your house will change once you have kids – and I’m talking kids that can walk. The newborn stage is delightful compared to a toddler on a rampage, because as soon as they are on their feet, your house and its contents will not be safe.
40 Ways Your House Will Change Once You Have Kids
1. Your toilet floor will never be the same again. It will be the catching ground for drips, overflows and no-aim flows with nowhere to go which you will step on with bare feet the next time you need to go.
2. The walls are like a white canvas for your child. Even if they are painted another colour, they will still want to draw on them.
3. Drawers will be emptied time and time again.
4. As will shelves. Those colour coded book shelves have no chance with your child. All they see is a rainbow they need to grab and mess up.
5. Leaves will be plucked off indoor plants. You may even find ‘treasures’ buried in the pots.
6. Windows will be smeared constantly with boogers, dirty hands and blowfish kisses.
7. Wooden floors will be scratched with those rolling dog toys.
8. Dents will be made into the corners of walls because sometimes kids like to fly their walking dog rather than walk and roll it.
9. Walls will be smeared with hand prints. What makes the prints is totally up to your child but some choices in our house hold have been chocolate, vegemite and poo. And yes, we have white walls.
10. Rugs and carpet will get mushed with playdough.
11. Or vomit. Kids aren’t adult enough to get themselves to a toilet, but will vomit over the hardest floor surface to clean.
12. Homewares become play things. No matter how much you warn them not to touch. One day, when you’re not watching, they will just ‘have a look’ at your prized geometric vase. And that look will unfortunately smash it.
13. Make-up becomes your kids new finger paint and crayons. Your carpet, your bathroom floors and walls will be painted with it.
14. No matter how organized you keep the kids bedrooms and playroom, your kids will have their own way of organisation. They will chuck all of the things in the one tidy drawer and be done with organising.
15. Freshly vacuumed floors will be covered in crumbs/glitter/bark from the garden within 5 minutes. It may be sooner.
16. Same goes for freshly washed floors. Wet feet will smear your beautifully cleaned floors. What your floors will be smeared with will again be determined by what your child has walked through and if they have come from the toilet… well you may need to investigate point number 1.
17. No such thing as child-free zones in your house. Even if you turn into the Beast and exclaim ‘It’s Forbidden’ your kids will do a Belle and enter anyway.
18. Toilets will continually be blocked with too much paper or toys the kids no longer want. Always have gloves on hand and a plunger.
19. So will your grates and your ORG outside because the kids like to fill it with rocks.
20. Your sofas will hide and hold as much food as the high chair within its crevices. It will also act as a trampoline and fighting ring for siblings.
21. The TV will be dominated by ABC 4 Kids even though you own the control. You also own your sanity too.
22. Lights will be flicked on and off like a rave. Expect a large electricity bill.
23. Bath water never stays contained in the bath. If it stays in the bathroom your kids have behaved considerably.
24. Every room in the house will have some sort of toy. I’m warning you that Lego and Shopkins multiply and breed like rabbits.
25. The mirrors will always be splashed with toothpaste water from toothbrushes or freshly washed hands. At least you know your kids have kept up their hygiene regime if the mirror is a splatter of mess.
26. The dishwasher will always be full and overflowing.
27. The washing baskets will be full and overflowing.
28. Sadly the same can’t be said for the pantry and fridge. Food supplies will diminish dramatically.
29. Tablecloths will get stained. Opt for plastic ones.
30. Rubbish won’t always be placed in the bin. Any small crevices or hiding spots in the living room, make the perfect place to put rubbish.
31. There will be toys and random food under the TV cabinet and under the chairs and sofas. You will be surprised by what you find growing there. Dogs make good Robovacs.
32. All types of paper in your home are now no longer safe. That’s toilet paper, paper towel and paper in the printer or shredder. Used for drawing, creating blockages or just unraveled… because it’s fun.
33. Mattresses will soak up wee, drinks and whatever wet toy your kid decides to take to bed with them.
34. They will put stickers EVERYWHERE. On furniture, on walls… on the kitchen bench. And they can stick like poop to a blanket if you leave them too soon. (HOT Tip – Eucalyptus oil gets the buggers off)
But then…. Even though your house and wares will never be the same, kids make your home the home it is.
35. Your kids will fill your home with beautiful sounds like singing and laughter.
36. Their early morning cuddles and smiles make waking up in your home a great place to wake up in.
37. Their creative play makes for a fun environment in the home.
38. Their snuggles on the couch while watching TV will keep you warmer than that designer throw rug draped on the end of the chair.
39. Their footsteps will always make your heart skip a beat. (this could be good or bad reasons, you decide!)
40. Their presence makes a home a family home, adding a new dynamic and atmosphere that no homeware or piece of furniture could create.
How has your home changed since you’ve had kids?
I’m linking up with Kylie Purtell for IBOT.